Frayed cords and breathe....

 

So how do you feel today?  This is how I feel....

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am frayed!  Still usable, but dangerous...not dangerous of burning down the whole house, but definitely could shock or burn someone.  I just need a good repair.  

Frayed cords are usually the ones that are always in use.  They are really needed!  They are really used!  Probably several times a day...but they get worn out and need some rest for repair or they may get replaced!  Hmmm....  Anywho, I am a frayed, daily used, overloaded, worn out electrical cord. 

I get hot so quickly, and I am not talking about hot flashes; I experience them, too.  I get angry, hurt, fearful so fast that I, myself am caught off guard.  I want to shock people, but that is not what Christians do therefore I just quietly get hotter and hotter and I am afraid that I am going to catch fire and burn everything in my path.  Wrong!!!!  I cannot do this.

I go to God....for a short while I am calm only to get shocked from the outside world and then I feel the warmth of my sin stirring and flowing needing some Holy Spirit electrical tape to mend the casing and prevent an eruption that would register on the Richter Scale! 

There are promises from God's Word that I must not be believing.  I can believe for others just not for myself.  Hmmm....Cat mentality, Pride, Sin, Unresolved Pain, Unmet Expectation Hurt, Fear....sigh...

I think today I am going to go about my day slowly...not rushing.  I don't want to overload my circuits.  I need to pray all day...there are so many pressing needs that the throne of God needs to be upholstered with. 

Laundry,
                  
     straightening up,
           
            schooling lessons (Oh help me);
                           
                         just daily life. 

The never ending cycle of domesticity that drones on and on...but today I am going to take it really slow.  

I don't have to be anywhere. 

I don't need anything from out. 

It is gray so I think I will turn on the lights and brighten up the place a bit. 

Candles...

breathe...

music....

breathe...

chores...

breathe...

cooking...

breathe...

laundry...

breathe.... 

Hmmm...maybe I will just concentrate on breathing today.




 

Quiet .....

Snow is lying quietly on the ground.  My husband is sleeping off his cold in his chair.  My son is in bed with an aspirin on the back of his throat. (A tried and true way of warding off a sore throat.)  All the laundry is done.  The house is straight.  Nothing actually needs to be done at the moment, except for schooling lessons.  All is quiet in and at the Beale Bungalow. 

I have been pondering my purpose for today.  All of the above, plus--prayer.  Praying for friends that just need to be told by God that they are loved.  Praying for friends that need to be freed from bondages causing them and their loved ones so much pain.  Praying for jobs, healings, guidance, strength, patience, traveling mercies and so very much more.  I think this is my purpose for today....

Oh, there is much that I could be doing....schooling my son, sewing my dining room curtains, sewing a wall hanging for my mom, reading a couple of new books, studying God's Word...but here I sit...listening to my husband's non labored breathing, thanks to a dose of Dayquil and wondering if I should be more productive today. 

It is cold and wet outside.  It is warm and dry inside.  Maybe what I am experiencing at the moment is contentment.  Ahhh....sweet contentment.  It doesn't come around much, but when it does...it is welcomed with opened arms and a warm heart.  \o/

Sleep....

I have a hydrangea in my front garden that looks dead. 

Yet I know in the spring when the sun begins its journey closer to the northern hemisphere--the seemingly dead limbs will allow the little green leaves to peak out and absorb the sun thus begin the process to make food for its growth.   

Then...the buds...will ripen and open up into beautiful cylindrical balls of pink or blue announcing its God ordained beauty. 

But for right now it lays dormant.
  
It is mulched and covered with a blanket of winter snow. 

It is quiet. 

Maybe it too, doesn't like being seen through a screen. 

Maybe it too, is tired of standing alone. 

Maybe it too just wants to sleep......

Those women....

When I was in my teens and early twenties I used to turn my nose up at some women.  You know the type...long lifeless graying hair pulled up in the front and long in the back.  They were always wearing ill fitted jeans and oversized tee shirts loaded with stains.  Over weight, no make up, tired looking....sad looking...I swore I would never grow up to be a woman like these women.

I am older now and much wiser, I pray.  I see women like this now and I pray for them.  They ARE tired.  Many of these women have their whole worlds on their shoulders.  Let's face it....boys will be boys and most men are still boys.  Sad, but true.  Therefore, these gray, baggy women are doing the mother job and the father job usually holding down a job outside the home.  Yep...they are tired.

They have lost that "girly look" you know....make up on to perfection.  Hair always stylish.  A new outfit every now and then.  Smelling wonderful with that newly purchased cologne or perfume.  Why?  Well, one doesn't need to dress up to clean the house, do the laundry, homeschool children.  One doesn't need to dress up to go to Walmart.  Gee, even the come as you are churches do not expect dresses, heels and makeup with matching jewelry.  There is no reason for dressing feminine or just nicely. 

Then there is the husband factor.  If a woman is not cherish by her husband the way she defines being cherished...a somewhat dreary oppression comes over them and they feel unloved.  The "why bother" spirit comes in and sets up his cot in her heart and starts his dirty work.  

Why bother?  We never go anywhere?  We never do anything?  We never have a vacation?  We never have people over?  We .... we....we all the way home....

I think that all of this is just "self hatred".  Period...  I must admit...that is true of me and my life.  I don't like myself, my decisions, my marriage, my homeschooling experience, my church experience....heck...even my Walmart experience.  I just hate me and my life. 

Now...this brings me to a Scripture verse.  "If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen."  1 John 4:20  I may be taking things out of context, but hating myself (made in God's image) of whom I  can see....how can I love God whom I cannot see.  Hmmmm.... 

My heart actually hurts for those women and myself.  We want to look nice, smell nice, be nice....but somehow the enemy of our souls have tricked us into believing that we are not worth the time and effort.  (I am not talking about becoming obsessed with our looks just taking better care of ourselves.  Even the Proverbs 31 woman takes care of herself....prepares good meals....dresses in clothing of linen and purple---not my color, but, oh well).  Just to not feel guilty for getting my hair trimmed, or buying a new outfit.  What a relief that would be!

I sometimes think that women like me want to martyr themselves.  This is pride---with a capital P R I D E!!!  Can self hatred be prideful, too.  Boy, that ol' Lucifer is a cunning varmint, isn't he.  

I know I have begun a lifestyle change.  I have gone 17 days with a glass of Pepsi.  It is a small step, but a step none the less.  Hopefully, this will expand into diet and exercise. Not *a diet, but a lifestyle change in my diet.  I know what too do, just doing it is the hard part.

Oh well, I do pray for us graying, shabby looking Walmart moms.  I pray that we will see how loved we are by the Father of Creation.  Sigh....  :)   

Tonight....

                                            Tonight....

                              I am scared. 

                       I am going to go and....

                       Spend time with my...

                            Strong Tower.



                         

Downcast...gray...

I can go a whole week and never hear from a soul.  Oh, I will 'see' them on facebook, but not in person.  Nor will I hear from them.  I make a point to call whoever is sick or send a card.  There are calls to my birth state of Tennessee, but rarely do I hear from them.  I also go days without a decent conversation to a living soul.  My husband, God love him, is not a talker.  There are days where 'goodbye', 'I love you', and 'Hey you' is all that is said between us.  I am so lonely that I could die! 

My mind gets to wondering and pondering during these lean times and the enemy of my soul shoots his sickening words into the very core of my thinker.  I start getting mad, then sad, then despair sets up its easy chair in the frontal lobe of my brain.  I then suffer from the "stinking thinking" syndrome; this in turn effects my behavior.  I become moody, sullen, melancholy, sleepy, weepy, snacky and then I get negative.  I am not a overly positive person by nature anyway---throw the devil's easy chair and I produce seven depressing dwarves of my own!  

Today, is one of those days.  My soul is gray (like the sky) and very downcast.  So, I am here to write and allow the Holy Spirit to cast out the occupied satan seat and perk me up for God's Glory.  " Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." This is Psalm 43:5.  I need to praise Him no matter what.  There...some praise music on....Kim Walker....Bless the Lord Oh My Soul.  :)  Nice...

I always seem to turn my head away from the God of my salvation when I get like this.  I read somewhere here recently that man is born facing away from God.  When he repents he is turned toward God and follows Him.  I keep turning around....sigh... 

The entire Psalm is:

1 Vindicate me, O God, and defend my cause
against an ungodly people,
from the deceitful and unjust man
deliver me!
2 For you are the God in whom I take refuge;
why have you rejected me?
Why do I go about mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?

3 Send out your light and your truth;
let them lead me;
let them bring me to your holy hill
and to your dwelling!
4 Then I will go to the altar of God,
to God my exceeding joy,
and I will praise you with the lyre,
O God, my God.

5 Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.

 

There seems to be times when I feel that God has rejected me just like the writer of this Psalm, but it is written, I feel this way "because of the oppression of the enemy".

I need God to send out His light and His truth.  I want them to lead me.  I pray these bring me to His Holy Hill--to His Dwelling!  Then I can go to the altar of my God and praise Him!!! 

I need not be alone, downcast, melancholy, depressed --- all because I put my hope in God of my salvation!!

Nice pep talk...all based on the Word of God!  Typed and prayed back to my Abba.  My soul is lighter...even though the sky is still gray. 

\o/

In whom do I trust....

Four days without Pepsi.  I am doing well as long as I have plenty of sweet ice tea in the frig.  This isn't as hard as I thought it would be, but I am only four days in....

  ??????????????????????????????????????????

Now...who can we trust in Biblical Teachings?  Is it okay to like the teachings of a non-Trinitarian?  Is it okay to lean toward the extremely conservative interpretations of God's Word, yet having the typical American lifestyle?  These questions are just rambling in my heart, soul and spirit...

If I believe time is short-- what do I care what others think! What do I care about others opinions about how I raise my son or handle my marriage or work my finances or choose my entertainment?  What is the deal? 

 I do not enjoy reading books by those Biblical scholars that have given up everything to travel the globe filling the bellies and spirits of the world's physically and spiritually impoverished!  These books leave me totally depressed and guilt ridden!  I am a stay at home, homeschooling aging overly plump wife and mother.  My life consists of cleaning our house, doing laundry, cooking meals, homeschooling our son, going to church, going to Walmart, Kroger, Farm Fresh, Trader Joes, Michaels and JoAnn Fabrics.  I literally go no where else.    I am still praying that my husband would be the spiritual leader of our home and that my son will follow the LORD and not his friends. 

I am starved for some good solid Biblical teaching that brings about change in my world and life in general.  So, who do I trust?  This is a very hard decision for me.  Some Bible teachers fire me up!!!!  John Hagee when he gets on a role!  Michael Rood because he teaches in the Hebrew way.  David Platt when my spirit is full.  Francis Chan when my spirit is flat.  Andy Stanley only about three times a year.  Then there are the dearly departed....Adrian Rodgers, Charles Haddon Spurgeon, Jonathan Edwards, Cotton Mathers, Martin Luther, and many others too numerous to mention. 

Most of today's teachers leave me kind of ????!  Is it my spirit? I don't know, but I do know that I am terrified to be like the silly women found in 2 Timothy 3:6-7 "  For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth."  This is a tremendous fear of mine.  I don't want to be like these women.  At times, this fear paralyzes me to the point of doing nothing!  This is not good!

  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, who do I follow?  I follow the Words of the LORD!!!  I cannot place my full trust on any one man and his teachings.  Does that mean I cannot listen to radio preachers or television teachers?  Well, at times absolutely not!!!!  I must be well studied up on God's Word to be able to handle the teachings of others.  I think I am just lazy enough to be led astray.  I am just lazy enough to be burdened with sin.  I am lazy enough to continue to learn yet never arriving to the Knowledge of Truth.  It does boil down the my active righteousness in studying the pure Word of the LORD!  Sigh.... I feel better getting all this off my chest!!!! 

\o/