Yesterday was a day that only the Holy Spirit could understand and relay my groaning, moaning and tears to the Throne Room of my God. In other words....I was an emotional mess!
I have not been sleeping well for the past few nights, so of course, I was tired; this always makes me vulnerable to my roller coaster emotions, never ending ponderings and unrelenting fears. I was in the bathroom when I heard my husband come back through the front door. He had already left for work. Car trouble...yet again..
A few minutes later, I was drinking a cup of coffee at my dining room table and I was in no mood for the whining and the sighing coming from my husband. This car thing has been going on for over a year now; though it has escalated since March...5th to be exact. The ostrich needs to get his head out of the sand and do what is needed to be done.
One thing I do not like done to me is this...to be touched when I am totally frustrated and headed for a melt down. I needed to inform the ostrich that he was an ostrich. I did not yell, scream or pitch a fit...I just informed the ostrich that his way of handling things was no longer acceptable.
Too many things in our life were broken and in need of repair. The car--the back door leak--the kitchen sink sprayer--the hood over the stove--the kitchen overhead light--the fan in our son's room--our finances--our relationship with his children--our relationship with our daughter--his relationship with our son--our marriage of 30 years...all broken....all in need of repair.
Again, there was no yelling, no screaming, no pitching a fit...just an honest expression of the obvious....
I proceeded to get busy in the kitchen...I canned some Polish Dill Pickles then I worked out in my gardens. All the while, I could feel the welling up of boiling hot emotions that I have been trying to keep stuffed deeply down in the hidden caverns and crevices of my soul.
I despise hurting people, especially my husband. He has a fragile sense of self worth and I get no pleasure adding to his "I can't do anything" mentality-that was carefully laid down before my entering into his life. I have been dodging this mentality for all these years, but what good has this done him or our family?
After the work in my garden was done I decided that I needed to be alone, maybe some much needed prayer time, so off to my half painted bedroom I went. I could not verbally pray! All I could do is cry!
There were no words that could or would fit what I was experiencing at the time...absolutely no words! This was frustrating for me because words are important to me, but I could not communicate anything to my LORD. I knew that He knew what I was going through, so I just continued to let my tears fall.
If I could just get it all out then I could feel better and function...this was my thought process at the time, but the crying then started to change! Deep groaning started...it was as if past pains and hurts were trying to resurface. When will all these horrid memories go away? The past pain has nothing to do with my present turmoil, so why are these thoughts making themselves known, once again?
I began screaming into my pillow...the tears were totally flooding my face, pillowcase and sheets. It was hard for me to breathe--the pain was so intense. With each exhale came more moans and screams...again, I could not even think of a word to say to God during all this. Pain from my childhood started racing through my thoughts. The beatings I took...the fears I felt...the words that I heard...the abandonment I endured....all came rushing back! These thoughts were mingled with all my failures...my problem child, my weight gain, my slothfulness, my depressions, my complaining and critical heart. Every sinful thought, every sinful act, every sinful disposition was present and accounted for.....
Germany, Washington, Tennessee, North Dakota, Virginia. All the things that happened in these Air Force stations came crashing out of the hidden caverns of my heart. The sexual, emotional, physical and mental abuse of my parents, teachers, even distant family and so called friends....decided to come and tarry with me yesterday.
As I was reliving this hell...I saw Jesus...bloodied and being beaten. With each insult that was done to me...Jesus took a blow! With each sin I saw me doing...Jesus took a blow! My groaning and moaning took on a deeper tone...as if my gut was turning inside out!
The beating of Jesus continued...I saw blood everywhere! I could not see His face for all the blood! He was on the cross, hanging there, bleeding, being beaten because of MY sin! Because of others sins that was done to me! I was so distraught at this point that I honestly struggled to breathe and yet the crying and the screaming continued. When will this end!
My sin kept coming...from my early aged sins to my present aged sins and Jesus just kept getting bludgeoned to death with each memory. I found myself asking God to quit beating Him! Stop beating Him!! Don't hit Him anymore!!!
I noticed my deep groaning and moaning became more like plain ol' crying. The tears still flowed freely and my pillow was now totally soaked. I could not nasally breathe because of all the crying. I was hot and sweaty, but still crying....
It was at this point that I saw a plump, dirty, filthy, bug infested, crusty eyed, bloody, bleating, matted fleeced, black lamb...caught in thorny vines and stinking mud. I could tell that the little lamb had been struggling because it too, had bleeding gashes and sores in it's flesh. This little lamb was entangled in the vines and mud, but too tired to wrestle against them anymore. So, it just laid there in the pain and the muck, occasionally bleating....my crying is calming down now.
As I focused on this pitiful lamb...I saw a beautiful, large, masculine hand reach down and gently pick up this poor, wounded, fatigued creature. There was no sign of this hand or arm or chest trying to hold this lamb without getting dirty. This hand now became two hands, two arms, lovingly caressing this filthy, smelly, exhausted animal. There was no more bleating heard...my crying was quietening now...
These hands and arms were attached to a body that was so big and yet normal size at the same time. Glowing. Clean.
White. Bright. I just laid there taking in the sight. I knew Who this was...Jesus! My risen Saviour!!
Jesus then started to turn His body away from me, but for some reason I was not alarmed by this at all. I just laid there on my bed, hugging my tear soaked pillow, breathing more calmly and quietly. Watching in my heart of hearts... the graceful rotation of my LORD's body.
Slowly the rotation was completed and Jesus stopped back in His orginial place.....right in front of me. I looked up and saw a beautiful, clean, white, groomed, healthy lamb in His arms. There was no more struggle. There was no more blood. There was no more bleating. There was no more stench. There was no more mud. There was no more crusty eyes. There was no more bug infestation. There was no more matted fleece. There was just a beautiful, clean, white, healthy, calm sleeping lamb in His Arms.
I woke up later in the same half painted room feeling calm and knowing that Jesus took all my blows. He bled for me. He suffered for me. He reached down and pulled me up out of the muck and yuck and held me, caressed me, loved me. Through His Loving Touch..He cleaned me up and calmed me down. I woke up peacefully and so...... thankful. I had an encounter with my God, my King, my LORD and it has left me silent because *now* there are no words to express my appreciation for what He took for me and what He has done for me. I awoke....in love with Jesus!
I had to write this down because I don't ever want to forget the images from heaven given to me in my deepest hour of need. Jesus paid it all... The sin that was done to me in the past, my sin that occurs in my present and my sin to come. Jesus has taken all my blows!! Jesus Has Paid It All!!!!
I am still quietly basking in this Holy Experience. May it never leave me....