Monday, June 25, 2012
Happy Birthday to my dearest daughter....
Today is my daughter's 28th birthday
...a bittersweet day.
She is four states away and going through such a hard time that my heart aches in a way that nothing seems to be able to soothe the pain. Romans 8:38-39 has definitely helped this morning. Praise God....
When my daughter was placed in my arms 28 years ago I really didn't know what to do with her. I was in a hormonal downslide and was absolutely miserable. Though I loved my baby...I was overwhelmed and scared to death. It was fairly easy to meet her needs, but I was still somewhat detached. When she was about six weeks old, my hormones settled out and the panic subsided and I was more like myself. I had just fed her, given her a bath and put her in a pretty little dress when, as I was sitting in our old tweed rocker I placed her on the ottoman to just look at her. It was then that she said, "ur". All of a sudden, as if heaven opened up and love came down as a dove, this rushing, passionate, breathtaking mother love fell upon me. I remembering picking her up and crying...thanking God for this beautiful little baby girl.
It was at this same instant that I realized I wasn't loved by my mother the way that I loved this little "urring" gift from God. The tears went from overwhelming love to bittersweet realization that there was something really wrong and sick about the relationship between my mother and myself. So, it seems that bittersweet was at the beginning as it is now.
A caring mother never wants their beloved child to go through hard, painful and frightening times. At the same time this same mother grows and matures realizing that though they control certain aspects of the child's life while growing up, she cannot control anything once they have grown. This is sort of a death. Death to self. Death to dreams. Death to apron strings. Death to "being mommy".
My daughter is now being raised and reared by God, our Heavenly Father. To borrow from C. S. Lewis, “Course he isn’t safe, but he is good. He is not a tame lion.” God is dealing my daughter in ways and on levels that I can never reach, of course, He is God and can do these things. He is training my daughter and her family to trust, and we all know how difficult these lessons are. My heart aches.
God is also training me in the same fashion. Trust... Me? Me learning to trust a God that allowed things to happen in my life that I just didn't understand then and I do not understand now. Trust?... Everyone who knows me knows that I do not totally trust anyone, not even my own husband (not even my own self). I keep a reserved part of myself...to myself. Trust? Wow...hard...
So, by allowing my precious daughter to go through terrible situations...I, being mom, go through them, as well. Trust...
Do I trust God to take care of my daughter and her family...I actually have been force in a position...by God...to do this very thing. Trust= Faith..."the just shall live by faith.." "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." Faith.... Trust...
I must trust! I can still love, hurt, cry, moan and groan, but I must trust, or all this ache and pain will be for naught! Because not pleasing God is...well, it is just not an option.
Yes, today is my daughter's 28th birthday. I have already called her and sang her "Happy Birthday". She loved her package that she received Saturday, but didn't open until this morning. She loved her new outfit; she was wearing it when I spoke to her. She said she chuckled when she saw her new green shirt. (If you received anything green from me that is a code in our family. It means I love you, because green is my favorite color. She got the message I was sending her....and it brought a smile to her face and her mother's love to her heart.) She appreciated the Dunkin' Doughnuts gift card, too. God allowed me to love and celebrate my daughter from 4 states away. :)
Today will not be what I would have planned for her, but it will be the day that God planned for her. “Course he isn’t safe, but he is good. He is not a tame lion.” I trust it will be a good day for her.