Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Gray outside and gray inside...

I am extremely sensitive to the weather.  If it is gray outside--I am gray inside.  If it is thundering outside--I am thundering inside.  If it is sunny outside--I CAN be sunny inside.  Sad but true.

Today and yesterday....cloudy, gray, rainy, cooler--sigh...  So, guess my mood and demeanor.  You got it...cloudy and gray.  I did not sleep well last night.  I have been having bad dreams and not sleeping very well.  When I have these dreams I tend to clamp and hold my teeth very tightly which cause pain in my jaw and neck.  I will wake up so tired and in pain.  When my dreams are sweet or "non-existent"  I do not seem to have all this pain and fatigue.  Last night was a bad night and so this morning was not a good one. 

Mornings, my favorite time of the day.  It is when I am sort of alone and I am usually peaceful.  I adore my first cup of coffee!  It is like a reward all my own.  I make it just the way I like it and I can take all the time in the world sipping on it.  I usually sit in the dark at my dining room table....quietly pondering.  My old ponderings used to be about the home agenda for the day.  You know...what laundry needed to be done....what would I make for supper that evening...what errands needed to be done.  Here lately, my ponderings have been very dark and negative.  Why me? and why me?

It just seems to me that my family is doomed to struggle all their lives.  My daughter and her difficult disposition and marriage.  My husband and his Neurofibromatosis, inability to lead and make decisions.  My son and his learning difficulties and slow maturity.  Even my brother and his temper and inability to hold on to a job.  I can go on and on, but I won't.

So...I find myself in the valley of despair all alone.  I know that God is with me...I just know it in my head and not in my heart at the moment.  It is hard to see the face of God when the eyes of my heart are clouded over with pain.  Sigh...

This morning I was thinking about all this and I have come to the conclusion that NOTHING on this earth can make me happy, contented or secure.  NOTHING!!!  I then started to think of all the verses that I knew with "happy"  (blessed) in them.  I really didn't remember any of them saying anything about clean, freshly painted and organized houses.  Nor was happiness linked to a certain body size or even facial features.  Modern clothing styles, money in the bank, having 20 kids all beginning with the same letter or milking goats didn't make any of the lists either.  

What did make the list?  Being reproved by the LORD.  Putting trust in the LORD.  Fearing the LORD.  The list goes on and on.  None of the things that I think would make me happy is listed in the Word of God!  Why do I concentrate on American things and not God things?  I am not saying that I need not clean my house, but I do need to focus....meditate on what God says will bring happiness or blessedness to me.  

I have much to ponder....


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